One great reason to love Mexico is their TV ads. They use the sexiest
women to sell everything. Off camera a male announcer asks “Have
you got corns on your feet?” Enter the most gorgeous women
you’ve ever seen wearing a nurses micro-mini skirt (or extra
wide belt) with sheer white pantyhose. She explains explicitly how
with her salves, drops, pills or pads you soon will be smiling,
scoring and corn free. Now I don’t have corns on my feet but
after listening to her I’m going out and stocking up on that
stuff…Just in case. After all, a corn free life is not guaranteed.
 Back
in the big city I looked forward to the Sunday newspaper. Forget
the world, national, state and local news. Throw away the sports
page, lifestyle section and 12 pounds of inserts. Way in the back
was the prize—a double-sized classified ad section. This is
where people just like you and me dumped their crap at a loss. According
to some advertisers it was a sacrifice to them, a huge loss.
I read them all every week. Most of it was droll and repetitive.
However, on occasion something would stick out as truly dumb and
there were some real gems also. Here are two examples of ads at
either end of the spectrum. The first was in the category of “employment”,
the second “cars for sale”.
1. “Tired of working hard to build up someone else’s
business? Come help me build mine! Call Janice at…”
Think about that one for a second or so.
2. After listing the year, make, model, mileage and condition of
the car the advertiser added this sentence: “This car will
create more excitement in your driveway than a dead man.”
Note: this car sale ad was for a cherry, in-demand collectible.
Now you know both advertisers got calls but who do you think did
better?
Print advertising for companies both large and small often amuse
or confuse.
Phoebe Hurty, the Midwest Sales Exec. for Sears, composed this copy
for a pre-Easter sale on women’s straw hats and bonnets.
“At prices like these you can run them through your horse
and put them on your roses.”
A woman would have to be a horse’s ass (no pun intended) to
buy an Easter bonnet elsewhere.
Here’s a few more:
First annual Animal Abuse Council Benefit Pig Roast to be held Sunday
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FREE—for qualified senior citizens and persons with low income.
(Spay/Neuter service)
Entire state of New Jersey available. (Foreclosure listings)
The best things in life are free and here’s how to get them.
Send check or money order to home value coupons.
Uniformed security guards wanted. Must have shoplifting experience.
Now those ads call into question the mental state of the advertiser
rather than generating any interest. Another waste of ads are those
stupid pop-up ads that appear every 10 seconds on your computer
screen.
Just when the homepage for skank-ho.com appears, a huge pop up ad
offers me car insurance. I hate it when that happens!
Let’s face it—we live in the advertising age not the
information age. Everything I buy is on sale or discounted. I bet
I save 25% everyday on everything. I’ve tried paying the full
retail price but cannot locate anything that isn’t either
discounted or includes a 25% more for the same price. Does anyone
out there know what the real price of anything is? I would like
to know.
Then there is truth in advertising. In 1982 on the drag at University
of Texas-Austin posters were plastered everywhere with a photo of
a pathetic looking dog. The text read:
“REWARD—Help us find our pet. Mongrel, mostly white
with orange, black, brown and yellow spots. Has mange and fleas.
Missing left rear leg and right eye. Answers to the name of Lucky.”
Now that is honesty. So I gotta ask my readers and fans—“Are
you feeling lucky?” If so, that’s too bad. For you too
are a victim of the instant winner, sell at a loss, 90% off, everything
must go advertising age.
P.S. Is anyone interested in an old pickup truck w/o papers that
doesn’t run too good? You won’t believe the price! It’s
too good to be true, just call me. I’ll make it worth your
while. |
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