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An Ode to the Turducken
By Ran Scot

Once when I was just knee high to a grasshopper, I went to one of them big city malls. The memories that stuck most were how each shop smelt different, contrary to the overall smell of the outdoor markets out in the country. But the vision that struck me most was the wonder of the food court. Here a man could get any type of food done poorly from any part of the world in under five minutes. Not even the most decadent of Romans could boast of such a wonder.

Ode to the Turducken by Ran ScotSo it was with little bewilderment that I first saw the Turducken rear its meat-laden head in the rural parts of Texas in the early 90s. But for those of you who have yet to see this debauched representation of the Thanksgiving meal, let me tell its legend.

It starts with a boneless chicken, which is then filled with cornbeard dressing and stuffed into a bonless duck. But the poultry dead parade does not end there! Oh no, next you stuff the duck that is stuffed with the chicken into a semi-boneless turkey. But to break up the succulant bird monopoly, a layer of Cajun sausage is then crammed into the already packed cavity of the glorious turducken.

The finished product usually weighs in at 15-20 pounds, and will feed about 20-25 people on average, or about 10-15 fat ass Americans. It is your patriotic duty to have one of these beasts of meat at your Thanksgiving meal. For if you do not spend our Golden Era money on such bountiful things, then we might actually spend it on something stupid. Like education, or health care.

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