Lookout bar staff, because
the kind people at La Jerga have licensed me to drink and raise
hell at your fine establishments. I will stumble around SMA and
the surrounding region to seek out the finest bars known and unknown
to man or street dog. My mission: to assist you, the reader, in
getting out of the house in style. In this first installment the
fair city of Santiago de Querétaro was in the spotlight.
After completing all pre-flight preparations, Don Quintin
(Andador Libertad # 23, Col. Centro.) was identified as
the first port to lay anchor. This place is huge, and brought to
mind an image of what Marlon Brando’s meat locker may have
looked like. I have never seen so many well dressed, if not somewhat
un-interesting people, in one locale. The size of the place means
a lack of intimacy, but provides plenty of opportunities for the
would-be Don Juan. The drinks are a little pricey, but I guess the
synchronized dancers on stage with accompanying band probably cost
a bit. The staff was pretty slick; my attempts to haggle for cheaper
drinks were met with a smile and polite ‘I don’t think
so Charlie’. The monkeys on the door were somewhat less friendly,
and gently shuffled me on my way when my low tolerance for alcohol
got the better of me. A little stylish for a modest mosca as myself,
but for fans of Mama Mia’s and El Grito, this is a must see.
 The
closed doors of La Mentirossa (Andador 5 de Mayo #12, Col.
Centro.) seemed to offer more of what I was looking for.
With a flash of a La Jerga business card lifted from the editor’s
wallet and some slick talking, I managed to sidle in. This bar is
like the human body – upstairs for thinking, downstairs for
dancing. Which means they have 2 levels: downstairs for mixing with
the people and getting funky; upstairs they have tables for chillin’
out and getting snuggly. The open center allows you to be upstairs
without feeling completely isolated from the courting occurring
below. I am a little suspect of their always 2 for 1 drinks policy
– which basically means you have to buy 2 drinks at a time
(no problem for your fair scribe) – I will add Wednesday is
a magical time of 3 for 1! La Mentirossa is a delightful place,
which would appeal to just about anyone, tally ho!
A nice place to retreat from the madness is Alkimia (Av.
5 de Mayo #71, Col. Centro.). Here you can get a pretty
good martini (or any drink you prefer), tapas style food to re-build
strength, and finish with a Cuban cee-gar if you so desire. There
is a slick white room to the side, which would be ideal to entertain
a special someone or just to kick back with some buddies. For the
bar dweller type, the semi-traditional wooden bar at the front makes
a fine spot to park up. For what the front bar design lacks in style,
the staff make up for with moxie, banter, and the ability to mix
a drink – by that I mean they pour what doesn’t fit
in your glass directly down your throat. Who wouldn’t love
this place? Cortés’ ghost maybe.
 At
this point my research started to get a little off track. After
a brief phone break I discover a hidden jewel in Querétaro,
a bar serving alcohol to a drunk fuck like myself, at circa 5am
on a Thursday – a rare treat indeed. From an unknown ticket
I had in my possession at the conclusion of my research, I believe
the name of the bar is T&B (Andador Mariano Matamoros
esquina con Allende). The staff and patrons passed the
patented ‘floor test’ as I was helped up and sent on
my way with all my belongings intact. Unfortunately I can offer
little more insight into this bar, though after my visit I discovered
this is actually an ‘alternative lifestyle’ location,
but no next day discomfort alerted me to this fact and by all accounts
the clientele were having a jolly old time.
After performing my impression of a cocktail shaker and serving
myself some devil’s brew, I deduced it was time for me to
conclude my research. I thank all the fine establishments mentioned
for their hospitality, and leave knowing many undiscovered gems
lie in wait in the clean, efficient city of Querétaro.
Want to provide guidance to the Mosca de Bar? Please provide a complete
address and brief description of your favorite watering holes to:
mosca@lajerga.com
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