OH GOD!! NOT AGAIN!! HEP ME HEP ME!! That was me talking to God
again sometime in the late morning of 1/1/05. The sinner’s
prayer followed. The same scenario played out in 100’s of
millions of households worldwide as people awoke to confront the
mother of all hangovers. 99% of us sufferers make a solemn vow to
change, never to allow such combos as white Russians, champagne
and margaritas to simultaneously stew in and poison our guts.
Some think long and hard about the benefits and support available
at the local AA. I once joined AA but soon found the major loophole
in the program. An AA member can maintain their sobriety but continue
drinking by simply going to strange bars and changing their name
when greeting the bartender. Even though I was sober under the name
Steve, I continued drinking under the name Ralph. Today there are
still bartenders in Austin that call me Ralph when I enter their
bar.
So here we are. A new year. A new vow to change our wicked ways.
Like many New Years Day hangover sufferers I down aspirin, cups
of coffee and vitamins from the Orient, Peru, U.S. labs and other
remedies. Then I stumble out bleary eyed, my hair mussed and some
strange foam fixed to the corners of my mouth. I’m going to
greet the day and wish everyone I encounter a Happy New Year with
a big foamy smile. Then sooner or later it happens. The ex-pat community
can relate to this. I pass a crowded bar filled with people screaming
and carrying on.
The college bowl games are in full swing. I duck in and stand gazing
at the screen trying to focus on who is playing who and what all
the commotion is about. A waiter appears and announces the day’s
specials on micheladas, bloody marys, mimosas and bloody bulls.
Within an hour I’m screaming louder than everybody in support
of a team I’ve never heard of, working parlays and running
the waiters ragged bringing pitchers of the spicy dark red stuff.
Sound familiar? Yeah, I know.
 So
on 1/2/05 I awoke again with - OH GOD!! NOT AGAIN!! HEP ME HEP ME!!
And followed that with the Peruvian/Oriental vitamin deal, a pot
of coffee, Advil’s and a cold press. When I came around I
decided to go ahead (even though a day late) with my list of resolutions
for 2005. I figured it’s better late than never.
Here’s my list:
1) quit drinking
2) start vigorous workout schedule
3) call attention to stupidity where I find it
4) beat the living shit out of someone who richly deserves it
5) stop tipping for bad service, tip heavy for good service
6) write more interesting shit
7) do good deeds whenever possible
8) recognize and thank God for all the blessings, favors and relief
granted
9) make a date with that gorgeous woman Diana
Okay that’s my list. How about you? Did you make a list? If
not, why not? Fear of failure? That’s the only excuse by the
way. It’s not too late! I’m a firm believer in continuing
to improve and advance whenever possible. If we all made this attempt
our collective experiences would be better and our worldview would
improve. Don’t hesitate. We can all be better and in doing
so help each other. Some events are inevitable and cannot be changed,
stopped or avoided.
Some of these are personal and some societal. I’m no good
at seeing personal events before they unfold. I am not psychic or
clairvoyant but those that know will tell you I’ve blown them
away with predictions of events that are societal, that make the
news. I’m going to share some with you now. These are events
that will grab everyone’s attention in 2005.
Here they are:
1) Scandals involving the position of Homeland Security
and electronic voting errors will be big!
2) The Pope may survive 2005 but will be unable to perform his duties.
The Roman Catholic Church will openly discuss his successor.
3) Saddam Hussein not only will not be put on trial but will be
dead within the year.
4) Mad cow disease in humans will be much more prevalent than previously
thought when the dormancy period in humans will be found to extend
back 30 or 40 years.
5) Many of Yellowstone National Park’s 1,100 vents will spew
lava.
 6)
Earthquake in Tokyo and Alaska
7) Playboy’s November centerfold will be a busty blonde from
the Midwest whose turn-ons are good grooming and candlelight dinners,
turn-offs - rude people, animal abusers.
Don’t take my word for it. Clip the list out and stick it
on the icebox. Those are all major news items for 2005. If my track
record remains in tact 80% of the above will occur despite opposing
forces. Speaking of opposing forces, this morning I awoke screaming
OH GOD!! NOT AGAIN!! HEP ME HEP ME!!
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