 Author’s
note: We have all suffered the negative economic effects of the
onslaught of foreigners arriving by the busload here in San Miguel.
My solution, to slow the growth and drive away others, is the Welcome
Wagon in reverse, The Unwelcome Wagon, if you will. Commit some
of these to memory because believe me, they’ll come in handy
soon! The last issue of the New York magazine listed ten great reasons
to visit here. Busloads are on the way! You’ll recognize them
by their obesity, rudeness, beehives and pushy political attitudes,
which are among their better traits.
In the old days I would pass an hour or so away in the Jardin, relaxing
and occasionally encounter a visitor. I’d do my part, giving
directions, dining tips and answering the usual queries. It was
interesting meeting someone who managed not only to locate San Miguel
on a map but actually arrive here. Those days are long gone along
with the affordable lifestyle which thrived for all, regardless
of income. So I’ve changed my tune. When I meet a tourist
now I always give bad information, wrong info and throw in a hint
of fear when needed. One of the first questions a tourist asks is,
“What do you do?”
Here are some of my favorite responses:
1) Witness Protection Program, can’t talk about it...okay?
(Say this with a serious sneer)
2) My gang and I are holed up outside of town ...until the dust
settles, that is.
3) I actually don’t know! All these voices in my head! I’m
as confused as you are!
4) Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question. (Said w/direct
serious eye contact)
5) I specialize in white slave trade. How tall are you? (Most effective
with a leering Larry Flynt stare)
6) And one of my faves: I’m a snake rancher.
No matter what, snake rancher always illicits a slew of other questions.
I always have a snappy answer ready. Here are some of my best encounters.
One guy actually told me he had done some snake wrangling when he
was younger. “WRANGLING?”, I replied, “I said
snake RANCHER. It’s a popular term in the homosexual community.
I thought you knew!”
“Is there a demand for your snakes?” one guy asked.
“Huge!” I replied, “I get top dollar for pythons
and constrictors. A cat can only kill so many mice and they might
get eaten by the huge rats that rival their NY city cousins. Go
for a walk in a quiet spot after 9 PM. The sound you hear is not
the wind blowing through the trees. It’s the sound of 100,000
tiny feet scurrying about. By the way: I strongly suggest not carrying
edibles or anything aromatic. It gets them in frenzy!
“Any drawbacks to the biz?” one guy asked. “A
few,” I replied, “When the constrictors run out of rats
they sometimes go for house pets and infants. But why fret over
one less poodle or mouth to feed?”
Another fun caper is to tell tourists you are a moneychanger and
give better rates than the bank. If they want to change $100 US
give them 700 pesos in fifties, twenties and 10 peso coins. Their
pockets and their wallets will feel so full some will thank you
profusely.
 A
fun trick is playing with directions. When someone asks where can
I get a good burger, steer them to one of the swankier spots that
have $8 burgers with no flavor. The tourist at some point will ask
themselves, “what in the hell am I doing here?” That
is the point!
Here’s a trick I pulled back when you could actually drive
past the Parroquia. I was on the corner of Jesus & Umuran when
a car w/ DF plates pulled up and asked where was Mama Mias. Rather
than saying 20 meters ahead on the right, here is what I said: “OK,
this is Umuran. Past the church it’s called Correo, but no
problem. Go 2 blocks to Recreo and turn right. Go one long block
to Hospicio and turn right. Now Hospicio turns into Pila Seca but
it’s no problem. Go down to Hernandez Macias and turn right
and go one long block. At the corner look right and you will see
Mama’s. Or when someone asks directions to Oxxo, give them
directions to the one in front of Tuesday Market on the Salida a
Queretaro.
Here’s another one I pull on newcomers. When they ask where
to buy anything – scotch tape, fruit, meat, gum or whatever
, always answer: Queretaro or Celaya. Inevitably they ask, “You
mean these aren’t sold here in SMA?” Always answer yes
but add a horrible yet valid reason for shopping long distance.
Here are sample items, where to buy &why:
1) Fruit – Celaya – because it is the
fruit market for the entire area. Reason – By the time the
restaurants and Celaya consumers buy their fruit, the leftovers
approaching a rancid state, are then sold to SMA.
2) Scotch tape – Queretaro – because
their tape sticks and the tape sold here doesn’t.
3) Milk – Describe some obscure dairy farm.
Reason – everybody buys there. When it’s just about
to go bad they box it up for SMA consumption. And so on. You get
the picture. Let your imagination run wild.
One word of caution however. Sooner or later you will run into someone
whom you gave the bad info. Now it is advisable to resort to the
greeting used by the people from the real Welcome Wagon. Break into
a wide grin and holler, “Welcome Neighbor!” Then keep
walking. Maybe even a little faster than before. |
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