Welcome to the Playhouse
by Sir Psycho Sexy

Sometimes the best-kept secrets should stay secrets. This is not one of those cases. Once considered shady, low-class centers of ill repute, no-tell motels are now gaining acceptance and going upscale. Perhaps they are merely convenient pit stops for the road-weary? Or perhaps a clandestine rendezvous point for two star-crossed and misunderstood lovers? Or maybe its simply good, clean, wholesome Mexican fun and a welcome escape from our mundane existence? Having never been to an “auto-hotel” before, we didn’t know what to expect when we pulled up to the automated gates and addressed a small metal box with a speaker. I was ready to order my Happy Meal when a woman’s voice crackled across the void.

“Hello, welcome to Playhouse. Would you like a room?”
“Um, sure... Would it be possible to see ALL the rooms?”
“All of them? Well right now I’ve got the Retro, Safari and Gym free. The rest are being cleaned. Or would you like to wait?”
“We’re in no rush, we can wait. Thanks.”

The phantom gates opened as we entered a complex filled with rows of neatly packed mini-condominiums, each with their own number and private garage, similar to any residential neighborhood. We drove up to what looked like the administration building and tapped on a thick, mirrored-glass reception window. The same woman’s voice spoke to us from beyond the thick glass, as we introduced ourselves to the anonymous hotel receptionist.

We explained to the manager that we were from a local newspaper and had heard this place existed but didn’t quite believe it. And to confirm or dispel the rumors we had heard, we would require a thorough tour of the facilities. The manager went onto explain that in addition to your standard “auto-hotel” room ($270.00 pesos a night for two people, $135.00 pesos for each additional guest!) there were also 15 FANTASY suites available ($600 2-person junior suites, $1200 4-person master suites and $300 extra for each additional person), each with their own unique theme, decor and attributes. See, this is what sets Playhouse apart from all those other roadside motels and this is precisely why La Jerga was here today.

The receptionist assigned her most capable and available custodial engineer to give us a tour of the facilities. With the forewarning that, although it was nearly noon on a weekday and most of the rooms would be unoccupied, many were still in the process of being sanitized. (Although we did spot at least one disheveled and apparently satisfied customer groggily shuffling his way to his car.) We assured her we were tempered professional journalists and that we were never dismayed by the prospect of a little realism in a La Jerga field expedition.

So, without further ado, I present you the 15 fantasy suites:

Hollywood – They broke out the red carpet along with some hardly classic (but perhaps latently-homoerotic?) film posters on the wall such as Alexander and Motorcycle Diaries to simulate the tinsel town experience. The backyard was adorned with the classic HOLLYWOOD sign realistically stapled to a brick wall–could’ve fooled me! It could have been some B-rate casting director’s North Hollywood bungalow in the late eighties. Actually, the best part about this room was the old school dark red leather casting couch, which conveniently faces the dancing pole! Although I didn’t feel like a star in this room, as advertised, I got the feeling that many stars, of some kind or another, had been born on the easy-clean couch.


Romana – No themed, drive-thru motel would be complete without its Greco-Roman fantasy. And let this be no exception. With the recent resurgence of such period films as Gladiator, Troy and Alexander, there seems to be no lack of audience or limit for such decadence and gayness. The only thing of note here were the ‘classical’ Roman columns and abhorrent neo-classical architecture that you seem to find in only the gaudiest homes of the richest Texas oil baron families. There is the hot tub, of course, where I understand you can order both snails and oysters from the hotel’s room service (which, by the way, is ordered by phone and delivered to your room through a revolving mini-door. You place your money on your side and they place your food, cigarettes or liquor on theirs–and whoosh! Voila!)

Gotica –
If your boyfriend or girlfriend ever decides to surprise you by bringing you here—GRAB THE CAR KEYS AND RUN! Don’t even wait for the automatic garage door to open, just crash through that motherfucker in full-speed reverse, A-Team-style! This dungeon comes complete with its own replica castle, with iron shackles chained to the wall (which can easily be modified to become securely lockable), gargoyles and creepy artificial torches (think Spencer’s Gifts) light Elvira’s bedroom. Did we mention that this place is dark, dank and eerily awash in blood reds and blacks? Which beggars the question, why would anyone in their right mind stay here and under what horrendous circumstances? Mark my words, bad things will happen in this room one day if they haven’t already.



Spa – As opposed to Gotica, this room is perfectly hygienic, serene and normal. It actually looks like somewhere you would go to get a legitimate happy-ending massage on their professional table and then relax in the hot tub. Actually it looks a bit TOO normal. Perhaps this is merely just the ‘cover’ room for all those ‘late’ or ‘lost’ husbands who need to suddenly justify their whereabouts on a Tuesday evening from 6:00 – 9:00 pm.

Oriental – The attention to detail is truly astounding here. From the Zen rock garden and pagoda-style bridge, to the dragon lawn statue, to the sliding simulated-rice-paper doors, to the futon bed, this was probably the most genuinely and tastefully decorated room in the entire complex. Someone even bothered to find some really cool wallpaper depicting some classic Asian scenes—better decoration than 90% of the Chinese restaurants I’ve entered in my lifetime. The only thing missing was giant goldfish to fill the outside pond, but I’m sure they’re on back-order. One could easily recreate that classic James Bond scene from You Only Live Twice in the classy hot tub—if only we all had Sean Connery’s chest hair!




Hawaii – This room was kinda dull and didn’t really conjure that tropical, exotic Hawaiian feel. Perhaps it was the absolute lack of simulated beach, palm trees, coconuts and Hawaiian girls dressed in scantily clad grass skirts. Try another room.

Eden – If God made man in his image then God is one sick puppy. Of all the rooms, this one probably has the most elaborate backyard setup. Someone put a lot of pride into the rockwork, pools, caves and grottos. I couldn’t explore the pools very well, being that I was fully clothed on this visit, but it seems like one could get lost among the vegetation, which is both abundant and authentic. I was a bit disappointed, however, not to find an apple tree (or at least a fruit basket?) waiting for me when I came in. But perhaps they let loose the snake through a secret panel at night...

Minimalista – For starters, what an awful name for a room. At least call it something else, like Naked Seduction or something. Doesn’t this just scream BORING?! I thought we were coming here to live out our GREATEST FANTASIES, not dwell in some early-nineties-SOHO-yuppie-hell! Whomever among us still yearns for those days should be dragged out to the street and ceremoniously executed.

Egipicia – Much like the Oriental (I love that it’s still okay to say ‘oriental’ in Mexico!) this room pays sharp attention to the details and has the sweetest headboard in the whole place. We didn’t exactly get to test it out, but I’m sure its as sturdy as the rest of the construction in this fine complex. (Pyramid not included.)

Galactica (formerly Espejos) – If this doesn’t get all you Trekkies horny, I don’t want to know what will. Actually, this is basically just a room with a lot of mirrors, kind of plain actually. What we could use here are some props: phasers, Vulcan ears and communicators would all enhance the fantasy by Warp-factor 7. I guess you can use your imagination and pretend Mr. Scotty is beaming you up that pole. But if you’re playing Captain Kirk, you’ll definitely be breaking the Prime Directive tonight by intermingling with the planet’s indigenous species...

Gym – No auto hotel fantasy would be complete without the naughty gym sequence. I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed. What if I REALLY wanted to squeeze in a work out between my other workouts? There’s a bench press, but no bar or weights! What a jip! I guess I’ll be regulated to sweatin’ to the oldies. The lockers were a nice touch of realism though. Kinda reminds me of high school in a weird, uncomfortable, ominous sort of way...



Rodeo – This is by far the most fun room. Think of all the ways you can torture and maim your mate by repeatedly flinging them off this mechanical bull and making them spin around until they puke champagne and salmon paté (cuz that’s what we eat at OUR rodeo) all over the inflatable fun mattress. Truly excellent. Once again the authentic Western decor rivals that of even those damn Chinamen. This is a deluxe room meant to be shared between two couples. “C’mon honey, we never do anything with the neighbors!” Besides, who else is going to operate that bull while you and your companion ride it Dutch-style into the sunset?



Retro – Much like tabletop Space Invaders, this is sure to be another instant classic! Probably the most uniquely decorated room, someone sadly didn’t have to go too far beyond their own living room or garage to find the proper decor and props for this classic 1980’s pad. This is another double room meant for couples and you can thoroughly entertain each other with the mirrored stage complete with dancing pole and disco ball, neon lighting and wall projections of your favorite John Hughes films—or whatever.

Safari –

Alberca –

The Turkish Prison –

The Classroom –