Wars, terrorists, tornados, snipers, SARS, kidnappings, hijackings, anthrax mailings and monkey pox viruses. With something like 42 news channels broadcasting 24 hours a day, one would think there are other topics other than those mentioned. It’s enough to cause neurosis and depression among television owners. Below are some new story headlines that the international news conspirators have scrapped in favor of their scary fear factor B.S.

U.S. Leads World In Mexican Food Availability
23-Hour Suicide Watch Fails
Salmon Rushdies’ New Book, “FUCK ALLAH” Due In Bookstores Soon
Man Attempting “Round The World” Walk Drowns
More States Shifting Welfare Control To McDonald’s
Mid-East Violence Redefined As Mid-East Culture
Winner Unaware It Was A Pie-Eating Contest
Investors, Brokers Agree – Stock Market Best Since 1928
Millions Of Americans Rescued From Poverty By Redefinition Of Term
U.S. Children Lead World In Hand-Mouth Coordination
Israel, Palestine Sign “Screw Peace” Accord
Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 19th Billion Time
Hate Crime Bill Stalled In Congress By Pro-Hate Lobby
Phillip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical
Senator Brings Obscene Material To National Attention
Judge Guilty Of Accepting Bribes Slapped, Fined
Educators Pleased: U.S. Schools Lead World In Schoolyard Shooting Accuracy
S.A.T. Test Ruled Biased In Favor Of Non-Hungover

See there is other news out there and it’s not all doom and gloom. Let’s face the facts: the news is staged by an evil conspiracy designed to take the fun out of life. That’s why I donated my TV to the Red Cross over a decade ago. So what news do you prefer? If you are riveted by video of a man losing a wrestling match with an alligator, then flip on your idiot box. Personally, I prefer in depth coverage of the Mayberry – Mt. Pilot baseball contest to some (probably fabricated) news account of the French frying in the heat. I’m asking all sane people or those seeking sanity to follow my lead. Why? Because the news at my place is all fun, up beat, true stuff. And it’s easy to do. First call the cable company and calmly cancel your subscription then start screaming epithets non-stop until they hang-up on you. You will already begin to feel better.

Dish owners can disconnect the line to the receiver. Then call your satellite TV provider and calmly cancel your subscription and then unleash a torrential screaming rage. Now you’re ready for the real news. It’s easy. Simply subscribe to 20 – 30 small town newspapers from all over. The smaller the town, the better the news. You will hear fun accounts and heartwarming stories about volunteer firemen, progressive dinner mishaps, county fairs and backyard BBQ’s galore. It’s what America is all about. Listen, I’m not sure about who is at war with who, nor am I absolutely certain who is exactly the President. However, I know for an absolute fact who won the hot dog eating contest held last week in Terlingua, Texas.

Note: Once you disconnect your dish, if you turn it just so, you can use a bunch of throw pillows and have a really neat rooftop hammock.