 The
other day I was seriously thinking about farting. No, wait…I
meant to say the act of farting, instead of the prior implication.
What I concluded was, there would be a lot less farting going on
if they came in colors. And not just any colors. But colors associated
with the gaseous producing foods consumed just before. You could
always tell a vegetarian farter by the greenish cloud emanating
from his or her nether region and trailing several meters behind—no
pun intended.
I can see someone sidling up to a lady crossing the jardin and asking,
“Did you enjoy the house salad and chicken mole, Ma’am?”
To which she might angrily reply, “That’s none of your
business!” And I would then retort with, “Well you made
it everyone’s business lady when you produced that green cloud
followed by that thick dark brown one.” Boy, there would be
laughs aplenty! Think of the gambling opportunities! I’ll
bet you ten bucks that farter over there just had a burrito con
pollo y jalapeños.
 Listen,
I’m not picking on anybody. It’s just that this non-stop
public farting has got to stop! I can’t count the times I’ve
had to ankle it to the other side of the street because the person
I was walking behind sounded as if they were an idling moped. See,
if farts came in colors it would be a lot safer for us non-public
farters. We could take alternate routes depending upon the cloud
cover of each street, it’s level of noxious odors and prevailing
wind currents, etc. You would see a marked increase in the amount
of people walking in mincing little steps with butt cheeks flexed
so tightly together you couldn’t separate them with a sewing
needle and a ballpin hammer. All trying to get home before the dreaded
color cloud appeared. Once safely ensconced in their home they could
let loose and reduce visibility to less than two feet in their own
private gas chamber.
This is not to say that public farters are any dumber than the private
farters like me. They too abhor the tear producing, paint peeling,
noxious stench of another person’s fart. (‘Cause admit
it, we all secretly dig the smell of our own brand.) So they squeeze
their noses, run to the nearest window and fling it open to share
their creation with the world. Of course, inevitably, the neighbor
across the street would lean out their open window and holler, “Hey,
what’s going on? On a diet? Why the red beans and rice cloud?”
Yeah, if farts came in colors it would not only be a more polite
world but infinitely more safe for people like you and me. No more
inhaling the wrong air, polluting our precious oxygen molecules.
And it would be a cinch for the authorities to nab individual violators
of the clean air act. Thank god for our environmental laws. When
farts come in colors they are going to come in real handy.
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