One of the amusements of living in SMA amongst artists, musicians,
poets, retirees and the super rich, is that all these groups are
top heavy in members that could best be described as professional
hard liquor drinkers. Amateurs trying to match the Pro’s level
of consumption end up with the notorious two-day hangover or at
the Hospital de la Fe struggling to remember the Spanish translation
for “Please pump my stomach and make the boogey man go away.”
Some are confused as to which group they belong, the professional
hard liquor drinker or the amateur drinker (read alcoholic). As
a public service I have devised a simple test to end any confusion
with the two groups and in the interest of your health, I urge you
to take the test.
Alcoholism
Exam
1. Have you ever joined AA but continued to drink…under a
different name?
2. Upon awakening do you down a tumbler of whiskey…you know,
to cut the phlegm?
3. Is your social calendar filled up with places offering drink
specials and art openings which always feature cheap wine like “Chateau
de Cat Piss”?
4. When you hear the words “night train” do you think
of the song or the high-octane liquor?
5. Do you ever confuse Nightbird for Thundertrain?
6. Do you keep a bottle in your car to cut the tension at red lights
or in traffic jams?
7. Do you ever describe yourself as a chocoholic…only for
booze?
8. Have you ever said, “I’ll never drink again”…More
than once?
9. Do you drink alone, at home or to tackle huge problems or predicaments?
10. Are most of your friends bar goers, bar owners and bar tenders?
11. Are you reading this on a bar stool right now?
If you answered yes to just one of the above questions you are definitely
a borderline alcoholic. Yes to two or more questions reveals a person
in need of professional treatment for alcoholism. But cheer up.
Help is available in a variety of ways and people have been cured
I’m told. The funny thing about this test is participants
who just assumed they were alcoholics are surprised to find they
are actually professionals, and vice versa!
Drinking is socially acceptable. Public drunkenness is frowned upon.
There is the rub. Due to genetics, chemical changes or abhorrent
behavior, some people are bad drunks and should either stay home
or do a 30-day sweat in the pokey. I could name names! What’s
funny is, San Miguel is still small enough we all know the sixty
or more people that live here and fit this category. What’s
sad is all members of this group are totally ignorant of their drunken
ugliness and are out every night, arguing, over bearing, combative
and repeating themselves ad nauseum.
Then there are the drunks who get stewed at the bar and never bother
anyone, never talking or feeling the need to join the drunken debates
that occur at every watering hole in the world this side of Rick’s
Place. They drink like Henry Lee Lucas. Then there are the happy
drunks who view the bar as a stage and themselves as the best comic
since Cantinflas. They think their old, lame jokes are fresh. Even
as they repeat the joke it gets no fresher and the happy drunk remains
clueless.
The professional drinker arrives just as happy hour starts. Being
thrifty and knowing a good deal when you see it, they order doubles
even during happy hour. Discussions with the professional drinker
center around business deals, politics, sex and religion. Around
midnight, after eight hours of hard liquor drinking, they appear
no different than when they arrived. However when the bill arrives,
they announce in a loud voice audible to all the exact total of
their bill. This jolts many bar goers as they realize they pay less
for monthly housing rent than this guy’s bar tab. Regardless
of where you are on the scale, even if you’re in tattered
rags in the gutter, remember this: you can always look to the stars.
Some say the difference between a wino and a wine connoisseur is
nothing more than the age and cost of their clothes. So all you
winos remember the words of Thoreau, “Beware of any enterprise
that requires new clothes.” Cheers! |
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