I wrote for an arts and entertainment weekly that sported a huge
personal ad section. Every year the paper threw a Valentine’s
Day party for the personal advertisers. I asked the person in charge
for an invitation and permission to interview some advertisers.
I was fascinated and bewildered by the terminology used in the ads.
I had never heard of and am still clueless as to the meaning of
terms such as cameltoe, scat, BS/DM, bumpin’ uglies, freak
my jock, top daddy, etc. It was like reading science fiction but
it was all about love. I felt a sudden urge to found out just what
this was about or be tagged a stupid lover.
I dressed up kind of snappy casual, grabbed my invitation and headed
for the hotel ballroom where the Valentine’s party was to
be held. In an earlier La Jerga column I claimed my definition of
disappointment was a fart with a lump in it. While that certainly
holds true, this soiree stretched the definition of the word party.
Instead of a party it seemed I had crossed into a parallel universe
and was observing the patients under nurse Rachet’s care as
portrayed in the movie picture show “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s
Nest”. The only difference was this group was coed and much
larger. Figuring I had made a wrong turn, I spun to leave and saw
the personals manager from the paper. He strode over and said “Happy
Valentine’s, Steve.” Looking around I felt sick and
he asked “What do you think?” I muttered something about
getting the interviews lined up and he set me up with a table and
got on a microphone and introduced me and explained my purpose.
A line became to form at my table.
What shocked me most was the advertisers when matched with their
ads. That, and the fact that I had always just assumed my fellow
citizens all owned toothbrushes, combs, razors and other articles
of personal hygiene. The terms used in personal ads tend to lose
their luster when you see the real McCoy.
Due to my research I am providing La Jerga readers with a glossary
of terms used in personal ads with an accurate definition:
AC/DC = confused
Attractive = in an Aunt Maude kinda way
Bisexual = see AC/DC
Blonde = mostly brown
Bottom = during sex, the one below
Brown = mostly gray
Cute = see attractive
Executive = blue collar
Exciting = boring
Experienced = whore
Free spirit = out of jail
Gay = could be Bi
Healthy = herpes in remission
Kinky = banned by PETA
Mutual = me, me, me
New Age = uneducated
Normal = into feces
Open minded = except sexually
Professional = see executive
Sensual = owns candles
Sex toys = certain vegetables & fruit
Sexy = see attractive
Sober = until after work
Social Drinker = drunk
Straight = see gay
Swinger = cheater
Top = during sex, the one above
Versatile = will settle for anyone
Those answering the personal ads are in for a minefield of epic
proportions. Some newspapers boast of the number of couples who
met using their personals section. That may be true, but unlike
the other ads, which are bound by truth in advertising laws or need
to issue a disclaimer—in the personal ads it’s Caveat
Emptor, let the buyer beware. In my vision of a perfect world all
searching singles will find their soulmate and live happily ever
after. If you choose the personal ad route I wish you great success.
Until next time, you can find me drooling at the bar waiting for
a hottie to magically appear.
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